Survival Tip

Yesterday, my survival tip calender instructed me how to survive being targeted by a person with a gun.  For the life of me, I can't imagine how a) I would even remember what a calendar told me to do and b) why I would do anything but drop to my knees and pray.

Good Morning

It has been an interesting month to be sure.  I apologize for posting little of any depth this month.  Things have calmed down a bit for us lately, which helps.  My son-in-law Andy has been writing a nice serious of devotions based on the Psalms.  I invite you to check it out (link to the left).

I really liked the VOTD from Air1 this morning.

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."  Psalm 37:23, NLT

One thing I know from my own life that if you ask God for direction, He will provide it (although not always in the way we hope).  I also know that God can't direct our steps if our feet aren't moving.  Tuesday night I was putting in my prayer request to my men's group and the following analogy came to mind:  Being prepared by God for a ministry can be like standing on the salt flats of Nevada.  There are endless possibilities for travel in all directions.  The problem is that not all directions result in a destination.

Our lives are often like that.  We wander aimlessly through our lives with no sense of purpose or directions other than to make it to the end of the day, to the weekend or to retirement.  I am unwilling to wander aimlessly anymore.  It is time to pick a direction and start the journey.

Here Comes The Rain

It is supposed to rain today and we really need it.  Of course any rain in the spring is always risky with the agriculture and all.  Many of the orchards are coming into bloom and a strong, cold storm can destroy the blossoms.  It can also play havoc with the little league practice schedule (Noah is supposed to practice tonight).

This weekend we will have a full house - Aaron, Kimi and Annie will be up Friday evening and Liam is spending Thursday to Sunday with us.  K&J are heading to Vegas for a quick vacation.  Will be their first real vacation without the boy (and  the longest we have had him).  Work has been pretty god the last couple of weeks and the stress/pressure levels have been below normal.  This has given me the opportunity to focus and concentrate more on "renewing my mind" on a daily basis - more on this later.

blessings on your day

What a Pain

Over the weekend we watched as a handful of bogus charges came through our checking account.  We call BofA (who were very nice, btw) and asked them to check - sure enough, they were all on the same debit card.  At some point the card was compromised and the data posted online (although with a few discrepancies).  We contacted one of the online vendors directly.  They had already tentatively flagged one of the transactions as fraudulent.

Of course now I had to cancel the card and have a new one issued.  Also, any automatic charges (gym membership, etc.) that were linked to that card have to be updated and any online accounts that were set up have to be changed as well.  We will have to keep an eye on the account for a couple of weeks in case something was authorized that didn't post yet.

What a pain  :P

1040

Finished the first pass on the taxes and we break even this year :)  I was sweating it as Sarah moved out and I had to adjust our deductions.  I wish we were getting a bunch back but not owing is almost as good.  Noah had a birthday party at the indoor arena today and went to his 1st little league practice.  Overall, the team looks pretty good this year.  Most of the kids have at least the basic skills down solid so we will get to spend more time working on other stuff (picking off runners, turning double plays, etc.)

Play It Sam

Well we signed the boy up for more guitar lessons.  He finished the first 6-week session without giving up and managed to do pretty well at learning what it is all about.  The teacher taught them "open tuning" which is apparently tuning the guitar so that the major chords don't require much finger work.  At some point in the near future, he will need to relearn some of it and tune his guitar the standard way.  Next year he will get the chance to actually get introduced to other instruments and learn to read music. 

Your Goal

This morning, on the way to bible study, I saw a truck.  The truck was a bakery delivery truck.  On the back was one of those ubiquitous signs stating "Safety Is Our Goal" with a phone number to call.   I have seen so many of those that I have come to be more or less immune to them but this morning it hit me.  That sign was a lie!

The goal the truck (and driver) had was to deliver bread in a timely manner - and in the process to do so safely.  "Safety" was one of the parameters and perhaps even a sub-goal but the primary goal was to deliver bread.  If that driver had the best safety record in the company but failed to deliver any bread, s/he would be unemployed.  I see this a lot with Christians.  If you watch what we do and how we live our lives, you would think that our real goal was to retire, make lots of money, live comfortably, raise good kids, etc.  How many of us really and truly live with the goal of serving and pleasing God as our primary?  What would an outsider say is our goal?  What is number one in your life?  Are you serving God or just delivering bread?

blessings on your day

Nookie

I started playing with my Nook (bn.com/nook) last night and really started using it today.  It is a really sweet device.  I uploaded about 250 books out of my current library as well as downloading a couple directly from B&N.  One nice thing is that you never have to run out of reading material again.  I went into the B&N site and flagged a hundred or so books on my wish list.   Now all I need to do is click on the "shop" icon and pick something off my list.  It purchases it and downloads it directly in a matter of 2-3 minutes.

Good Afternoon

Kind of a weird day - feeling vaguely melancholy with no real good reason.  The weather is amazing; what John Wayne called a "false spring" in The Shootist (his best work by far).  in less than an hour I leave to go watch Noah play his guitar.  The class has run it's course and now we get to see/hear what the kids have learned.

Emma has been up before the paper carrier the last few days and going in to start her shift at 3 a.m.  Tonight we have our first meeting with the little league team - we are on the Red Sox again.  They moved up to triple-A this year.  The weekend after next, Aaron, Kimi and Annie are coming up to spend a day with us - we are REALLY looking forward to seeing them.   My lovely wife got me a B&N Nook for Valentine's Day and it should be delivered today sometime :D


blessings on your day

Food For Thought

The below was the quote-of-the-day on my iGoogle homepage.  As a Libertarian and supporter of the Tea Party, I find this quote both interesting and disturbing.

You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.
  - Charles Austin Beard

Every day the news brings one more indication that we have drifted far indeed from where this country started and the rate of "drift" seems to be increasing.   The other day I had the "privilege" of listening to an acquaintance attempt to persuade me that "giving up some liberties to increase our security/safety" was a good thing.  I was appalled and very discouraged.  The concept of personal liberty has degenerated into a squabble about "tolerance."  We look to the gubermint to define, control, feed, clothe and heal us.   We demand that "something be done" about every issue without regard to common sense, the Constitution or civil liberties.  We insist that the gubermint protect us from our own ignorance and stupidity and that they take over the job of raising our children.

The latest article in the paper this morning mentions in passing that people are leaving congress in droves due quite frankly to the inability to make any significant difference or to even have any impact at all.  The author missed the obvious conclusion - we have become a nation of the trivial and insignificant.  A nation that avoids responsibility, morality and involvement.

Pray for our country

Do You Tweet?

Mattel has recently come out with a way for your puppy to send you (wait for it....) - tweets.  That's right, now your dog can not only have a Twitter account but can post his/her own updates.  Whenever you canine woofs, snaps or jumps around, this handy new collar attachment send an update to your computer which will then post to bowzers Twitter account.    I think it is time to consider a lifestyle change - perhaps to Amish.

Shhhhh!

One of the topics to which I return at regular intervals is that of quietness.  It came up again this morning at my men's bible study where the verse admonished us to "live a quiet life."  Over and over we see references to the advantages to being still and quiet.  We are told that we need to be still to hear God; that He speaks in a still, small voice.  Jesus offers peace; Paul preaches on contentment and the Spirit brings us rest.

Being too busy and too "noisy" in our life is the hallmark of our generation.  We strive, drive and fly through life.  We are moving flat out, at a dead run and constantly chasing the rabbit.  The noise and chaos the results drowns out God's voice and robs us of contentment.  It can serve to feed addictions and eventually build a wall around our hearts.  Take a moment today and reflect on that still, small voice.  What is God saying to you?

blessings on your day

V-Day

February 14th is, perhaps, the most dreaded day on the calendar for most men.  We are judged, convicted and sentenced based on how well we respond (note:  your reality may vary and I am speaking in generalities).  Picking the right card, finding a restaurant (better start calling 4-6 weeks in advance), deciding whether to do chocolate, flowers or jewelry can be a task beyond the ability of some.  It doesn't help to know that the greeting card industry invented this holiday.   No matter your status, the day can be intimidating at best and terrifying at the most.

All that aside, there is value in Valentine's Day (other than to the bottom line of Hallmark).  That value lies in being "encouraged" to focus on the ones you love the most.  For one day we make the effort to demonstrate our love and affection when in reality we should be behaving no differently than any other day of the year.  We should be making an effort to demonstrate our love and affection every day not just once (or perhaps as many as a half dozen times a year). 

Jesus loved us so much He died one of the most horrific deaths possible.  What are you willing to do?  How will you show your love to those you hold dear on February 15th?

Discordia

For each of us there exists a breaking point - an ultimate tragedy.  For some it might be as simple as the loss of a job or career.  For others it might be the loss of their health, a limb, vision or mobility.   Loss of a child, parent or spouse rank high on the list of possibilities for many.  No matter what it is, it exists for each of us - the ultimate loss, tragedy, breaking point.

There also exists for most (not all) a place that we define as "the bottom."  This is the place that we reach that causes us to evaluate and perhaps to change.  This place is vastly different for every person and frankly, some people never seem to reach it.  Sometimes that place is similar to a place on the list above (but if it is, it is often perceived by us as "our fault) - many times it comes up short of the "final tragedy."  For me it was realizing that I was on the very brink of losing another family.  Why does it take something like that to get our attention?  Sorry, no answers here - but I know that it does.  I had someone once tell me that it doesn't happen until your life stops working.  I suppose that is as good an answer as any.

I don't know what things need to change in your life - God only tells me my story.  I also don't know what it will take before you start to make those changes.  I DO know however, that God won't give up until you turn around and reach out to Him.

blessings on your day

Sitting Quietly

It has been an interesting week.  Having Andrew around has certainly changed the dynamics of the house (not to mention that he is available to get the boy up and on the bus in the morning).   I know he is anxious to go home and help out his dad (who had back surgery).  Pop will probably have to wait until April to see his car again.  He had to park it at the end of the lane late last week and walk up to the house.  With almost 4 feet of new snow, he is pretty effectively trapped.

Still working through step 4 in my program.  I am starting to look at how the people I listed have impacted my life.  Part of the work is to identify both positive and negative impacts (yeah - that is the hard part, people I list are usually firmly planted on one category or the other).  The other very difficult part of that process is identifying the people I have hurt - that list is very long  :(

I Am Ready

I am ready to take on the giant octopus.  Yesterday my calendar explained how to survive the attack from the Giant Octopus.  After reading it over carefully several times, I now feel confident that I could, indeed, survive the attack.

Forgiveness

Sunday we had a guest singer, Lisa Daggs.  She was seriously country (which isn't a bad thing) and had just released a new album.  The title track is "Forgiveness Is A Powerful Thing."  What a great song!   Letting go of the past wrongs and hurts is so very freeing.  Too often we hold on to things and people that have caused us pain.  We rehearse the incident over and over.  We replay it from different angles - editing to change the outcome, get in that perfect retort or lash out at the focus of the hurt.

Some people nurse grudges for years and years - others seem to be able to forgive and forget in the space between heartbeats.  I fall somewhere in between.  As a general rule, I can forgive easily.  Where I struggle is with  people who take advantage of that fact to hurt me repeatedly.  There have been several times in my life that I have accepted the apology, offered forgiveness, restored a relationship only to have that person turn around and betray or hurt me all over again.  Yet I know that I have done the same thing to God.  I have fallen on my face, confessed my sins, sought forgiveness and healing only to stand back up and do the same thing all over again.   Forgiveness is a powerful thing - check out Lisa's website if you get the chance.

blessings on your day

Super Sunday

It was a nice weekend for us.  Poor Andrew has been sick as a dog for several days now but is starting to feel a little better.  We ended up canceling the dinner Saturday night as no one wanted to be around the isolation ward.  Sunday we went over to Emma's friend's house to watch the Super Bowl and eat homemade chili.  All in all, things were pretty quiet and sedate.

Andrew had to change his flight when the snowstorm shutdown the east coast.  If things go well, he will fly out Tuesday after lunch.

What a Long, Strange Trip It's Benn

Happy Anniversary to this blog.  It has been 2 years today since I first started putting my thoughts out on the web.  During that time I have posted almost 700 messages and had almost 20,000 visitors.  I have been verbally assaulted and praised (sometimes on the same post).  For a time I abandoned the blog entirely.  I have posted my pain, my fears, my joys and my successes.  I have posted about my friends, my neighbors (hi Jack-Sean, are you still reading this?), my family, my life and my addiction.  I have posted jokes and stories as well as tirades.  Yet in it all, you - the causal reader - have walked along side of me listening (and on occasion commenting).

Today I want to say thank you - thank you for sharing my life in whatever form it takes.

Finding the Right Word

Using the right (and best) word to convey an idea, concept or emotion has always been a passion of mine.  I have never talked down to my children and have strongly encouraged them to always ask what a word means if they don't understand it.  I have, at times, read the books of certain authors with a dictionary at my side.  I am always on the lookout for a new word that more eloquently expresses a thought by the use of a few obscure syllables (why use a paragraph when a single word will do).

On occasion, I have caught flack for this.  A dear friend from a former time used to complain that a dictionary and thesaurus was needed anytime I posted a message or sent an email.  I also had someone at a family gathering sneer at my manner of communicating and suggest that I was, in effect, "putting on airs."  Of course anyone who actually knows me understands that this is the way I talk.  It has nothing to do with snobbery and everything with effective communication.  Elegance, eloquence and effectiveness in communication is one of the greatest legacies I can leave my children.  Understanding how to use words will take you far in this world.

90 Days

It is my 90 day "birthday" this week.  Some days it seems like yesterday, other days like an eternity.  As I look back on 90 days of sobriety I recognize that I am but a single step down the road.   As rough as it has been, I know that I am not even past the worst of it yet.  Not a day goes by that doesn't push me towards the edge of that cliff.  In the last 3 months I have developed a number of tools, attended a lot of meetings and studies and acquired some wonderful friends to help on the journey.  I have shared my story with a lot of people and there are many yet who need to hear it.

The end of my story is a long way off yet and it will be long indeed before I count myself to be fully in recovery (I have gone as long as 9 months before on my own "power" as it were).  I am looking forward to the day I get my 1 year chip to hang with the others.  I also know that my vigilance must never wane not must me determination flag.  All too often in the past I have come to be complacent and content to rest when I need to be on my feet pushing forward.   We are soldiers - warriors - in the midst of a battle.  There will be time to rest when we leave this world for the next.

It is truly one day at a time, blessings on your life

Not on the nose!

Today's Survival Tip was on "How to fend off a shark" which is a bit ironic considering the stories about that shark attack recently in FLA.  The thing to remember (as you are being dismembered and eaten) is to NOT hit it on the nose.  The nose is rather insensitive (unlike ours, see picture about 3 posts back).   Rather we should go for the eyes (small, beady, suspicious looking) and the gills.  Personally, I will thrash about flailing madly at the shark until I either pull free or .... I don't.

Memories

I had coffee this morning with an old friend.  As we sat and shared, I told him a little about my work in the program.   As I shared before, I am working in step #4 which focuses on examining ourselves in depth.  One of the first exercises is to make of list of people who have hurt us (going back as far as we can remember).  My first pass at this yielded almost nothing (as is often the case with addicts who are soooooo good at suppression).  The next category was a place to list those against whom you have a grudge.  I started to make note of the first name that occurred to me and it was like opening a floodgate.  Within a few minutes I had listed off a double handful of names from my past.

One name stood out on the list and I kept coming back to it.  The person had absolutely wronged and harmed me but it wasn't the initial hurt that kept that person at the top of my list.  No indeed, it was the betrayal of trust that caused the most pain.  To accept the request for forgiveness and to work on the reconciliation while the betrayal continued caused pain like I have rarely known.  Yet even after that I opened back up and shared my heart only to have what I shared used against me.

I don't know who is out there listening to my ramblings or what hurts you have weathered in your journey through life.  I have heard horrific stories of abuse, betrayal, despair, death and loss over the months that I have been in Celebrate Recovery.   As a result I won't say that my pain is any stronger or deeper than anyone else.  What I will say is that for me, betrayal of trust and being manipulated rise to the top of the list.

I know that healing exists in the water that flows from under the throne and I trust Him for that healing.

Recovery

Time for a lecture on addiction and recovery.   Some of you will understand this from personal experience; others may have heard this from a friend who is an addict or studied it in school; to others this will be new material.  I also know from my experience that some of you will completely reject what I have to say.  To those I say simply "you haven't walked this road."

Many things can drive an addict to seek help but the short answer is that in some way their life has stopped working.  For Christian addicts especially, it is VERY likely that they have spent a lot of time in the addiction cycle (pain -> addiction -> shame -> recovery).  I won't go into the psychology of the addict nor will I spend much time talking about the cycle except to say that each pass through the cycle brings deeper shame and despair. Today I am talking about what recovery looks like.

Addiction is forever.  Anyone that tells you they can be (or have been) cured is either delusional or naive.  Addicts are either recovering or practicing.  There are some situations, places, events, activities that will be off-limits to me forever.  Alcoholics know not to hang out in bars and many (serious ones) won't allow alcohol in their homes - for good reason.  Addicts who stay in recovery know that they will be attending meetings and having accountability partners forever (or as long as they intend to stay sober).

Successful recovery means changing the way you think, process pain and handle life.  This doesn't come from a 2-hour-a-week bible study, praying harder or having stronger faith (unless you think you are at Paul's level).  It comes from hard work, support, structured programs and perseverance.  12-step programs exist and are successful for a reason - they work!  The reason they work is that they set up the structure and the program for an addict to change their foundations and to create the tools they need for long term sobriety.  Addicts who won't (or can't) work "the program" (insert the program of your choice here) don't make it.  Oh they will get clean and sober and stay that way for a while.  On my own, I have done it in stretches as long as 9 months or so.  The problem is that if you don't make the changes I talked about earlier, it won't last. 

Living the the addiction cycle will eventually cost you everything - including your life.  You can't break the cycle by sheer willpower, self-control or praying harder.  Get help and get it today.  Make your recovery your number one priority.

Pet Peeves

Ok folks, time for a soapbox stand - I have a gripe.   I am all in favor of multi-cultural diversity.  I love the ethnic variety of CA.   I support people to celebrate and maintain their heritage.  I think raising bilingual children is a superb idea.   That being said, there is a time and place for this and the work environment is not either one.

I have a coworker who speaks another language as his native tongue.  He shares this language with yet another coworker.  The issue comes in when they have long, involved cubicle discussions in that language.  If it was a personal discussion, I probably wouldn't say anything - after all, we have the right to talk to our friends in any language we choose.  However, these conversations (a half-dozen a day) are all about work topics.  It is easy to tell as there are some words that work best in English (technical, database terms).  By excluding everyone else around them, they lose any chance that someone else might have some input that would help resolve the issue they are discussing.  Additionally, they hide those issues from the rest of the team who might benefit from knowing more about the topic under discussion.

You work in America at an English speaking company - put your language skills into practice please.

Rehearsing Old Pain

Part of the process of doing a personal inventory includes "reviewing" the list of people that have either caused you pain or towards whom you hold a grudge.   As is often the case, at first blush, I could remember little and blithely announced that I had no one on my list.  It didn't take long, though before the memories started trickling in - and the trickle quickly became a torrent. 

In the deep past of my childhood, much of my pain has been blocked out and buried deep.  However, there has been a significant amount in the last decade or so that is still fresh enough to be close to the surface.  As I start documenting the people and situation, I am forced to relive a lot of it - which in turn creates more pain.   I know that this is a necessary thing and that working through these areas will leave me stronger and healthier.  At the same time, it is also something I would rather avoid if I could.

My goal (at least short term) is to be honest and open in this process - and that includes identifying my role in what transpired.  This will take time and prayer and I am confident that this is part of the "good work" that God is completing in me.

blessing on your day

Ugly Year

2009 was a very ugly year for me.  I found myself compromised morally far too often.  Many of my choices where horribly bad and some almost destroyed me.  Yet by the grace of God I survived.  His grace and mercy are something that I have struggled with for many years - often feeling woefully undeserving and inadequate.  Of course when it comes down to it, NONE of us deserve grace.  Fortunately grace isn't earned but is freely given.

Addicts tend to have a rather biased and skewed view of themselves.  We learn to put ourselves down.  We learn that the gifts of God that are available to every other sinner are withheld from us (or is it that we reject them?).   We learn to avoid intimacy, to hide behind walls and to try to hide from God.  Eventually He decides the time has come and begins the process of tearing down the walls - a process that is always painful but oh so necessary.

Last year was a year of ugliness and tearing down.  This year is a year of rebirth and renewal.