Memories

I had coffee this morning with an old friend.  As we sat and shared, I told him a little about my work in the program.   As I shared before, I am working in step #4 which focuses on examining ourselves in depth.  One of the first exercises is to make of list of people who have hurt us (going back as far as we can remember).  My first pass at this yielded almost nothing (as is often the case with addicts who are soooooo good at suppression).  The next category was a place to list those against whom you have a grudge.  I started to make note of the first name that occurred to me and it was like opening a floodgate.  Within a few minutes I had listed off a double handful of names from my past.

One name stood out on the list and I kept coming back to it.  The person had absolutely wronged and harmed me but it wasn't the initial hurt that kept that person at the top of my list.  No indeed, it was the betrayal of trust that caused the most pain.  To accept the request for forgiveness and to work on the reconciliation while the betrayal continued caused pain like I have rarely known.  Yet even after that I opened back up and shared my heart only to have what I shared used against me.

I don't know who is out there listening to my ramblings or what hurts you have weathered in your journey through life.  I have heard horrific stories of abuse, betrayal, despair, death and loss over the months that I have been in Celebrate Recovery.   As a result I won't say that my pain is any stronger or deeper than anyone else.  What I will say is that for me, betrayal of trust and being manipulated rise to the top of the list.

I know that healing exists in the water that flows from under the throne and I trust Him for that healing.