Bon Voyage!

My wife set her status quite a while back to "Life is a journey" and left it there.  The older I get the more I realize that this is not just true but critical to understand.

When I was younger, my "destinations" were a new house, a new job, getting married, that car I always wanted or a long weekend.  I have come to realize that the journey we are on is more like an ocean cruise.  There are life-boat drills, days at sea, exciting ports of call and the occasional bout with motion sickness.  None of these are actually your destination - they are, however, part of the journey.  Right now, the leg of the voyage I am passing through is difficult at best and often intensely painful.

Anyone who spent time in recovery can attest that in order to do it (recovery) right, you need to spend some serious effort on "self-discovery."  And anyone who has done this also knows that it usually brings things to light that you would rather stayed hidden away.  I won't overwhelm my readers with all of the gory details but I would like to share some of the places this particular part of my "life journey" has taken me.

After many years of struggling with my addiction, I finally admitted I was was incapable (powerless) and surrendered my will to God. Of course this was not without some pretty severe (divine) interventions that caused lots of pain and grief to myself and many of those closest to me.  It has taken 3 years for me to reach the place where I am ready to "go deep" and start looking at who I am and how I got here.

-<* This Part of the Journey Begins Below *>-

I am currently in a Celebrate Recovery Step Study where we will spend a year working through all of the 12-steps of recovery (I leave as an exercise to the reader to explore what CR is).  I actually started this once before (over 2 years ago) but found reasons (excuses) to drop out.  So far we have worked through the first two steps and it has mostly been a review of things that I dug up originally.   Interestingly enough, it hasn't been any less painful the second time through.  One new thing that has come up is that I find that I resent the fact that my wife has a better relationship with my dad than I do.  As we talked about it we both realize that we see each others parents differently.  The parents we grew up with are not the parents that our spouses have come to know.

History is a powerful thing.  It can define who you are and create mountains that are overwhelming - or even seemingly impossible - to overcome.  Letting go of the past and the pain associated with it is a constant struggle for me.  On more than one occasion I have allowed (embraced?) resentment and chosen to use remembered-pain to define my life and determine my direction.  For the record, this has always ended badly.

The only thing that makes it possible to let go at all is that I can cling to the Grace and Mercy of my Lord.  By remembering (constantly) that He doesn't hold my past against ME I can let go (a little at a time) of the pain and resentments that are weighing me down.  I can make different choices and take that grace that God gives me and apply it to the people around me.  Because I have had such a difficult time accepting grace and mercy from God makes it all the more difficult to apply it to others - so once again, it is a journey and a process and a port-of-call that I haven't reached yet.

As I continue this discovery and healing process, I will share some of the things that I learn.  Feel free to join me on this journey of life if you dare.

blessings on your day

Trust Me

Trust issues - almost everyone seems to have them from time-to-time. I know I certainly do.   It is kind of interesting watching how these issues play out in our lives.  With many things and many situations, trust comes with experience.  At an early age we learn to trust constants like "this chair will hold me up" and "if I cry mom or dad will come running."  Eventually we learn that some people can be trusted and others can't.   We learn that without trust in a relationship there can never be any depth. Many children (mine included) learned far too early that you can't even trust that your family will stay intact.  Some learn that you can't trust your friends and family to treat you "appropriately."

Once trust is broken it can take a very long time (if at all) before it is regained.  There are people in my life whom I will never trust and others who have my trust but not in all areas.  The reasons are many - some because the trust was betrayed and others simply because I don't see integrity and "trustworthiness" in how they live their lives.  I think that in order to trust someone you have to believe that they would put your interests before their own - and let's face it, this is a tough sell in today's society.

So how is it that I struggle daily with trusting God?  He has NEVER failed to do what He says.  He is constantly doing what is in my best interest.  He has never let me down or abandoned me.  He always exhibits integrity far beyond anything I can even imagine.  I can spend hours telling you about all the things He has done in my life or in the lives of people close to me.  Yet in spite of all this I struggle with trusting Him to run things.

I have come to realize that it is my own selfish nature that keeps me bound and unwilling to release control to Him.  While intellectually I trust that He will do what I need, I don't trust Him to do what I want - and THAT is at the heart of my problem.  There are things in my life that - quite frankly - I like, even while knowing that they aren't good for me and that they don't belong in my life.  In part, it is the same mentality that I see in my kids.   We hate "school" and we hate "boundaries" and we hate not being able to do absolutely anything we want whenever we want.  And like our kids, the first place we run when our lives come crashing down is back to Daddy.

Letting go of the dark places, the bad habits and the selfishness is something I have to do daily - well more like minute-by-minute.  Trusting that He has my back is easy - trusting that what He wants for my life is better than what I want is brutally hard.

blessings on your day