Read, Understand and Apply

Had a session with my therapist last night.  He made some good suggestions for starting to make changes.  The first was simply "Deny the Lie, Embrace the Truth."  Of course this is easier said than done.  After more than 5 decades of believing the lies of the enemy, it is hard to simply push them away and cling to what is true.  The first step, as always, is to start developing a sense of awareness.  This means that as the negative thoughts cascade over me, I need to start the process of identifying them and recognizing what they are and where they come from.  Once I can do this on a regular basis, I can start working towards replacing those thoughts with "truth" which comes from above.

Learning to appreciate who I am is going to be a long, hard road.  I was reading yesterday  about temporizing what the Word says about us with "in God's eyes, I am ..."  This actually is contradicting what He says.  We are claiming that we are something other than what He sees and that our reality is NOT the same as His.  Of course God's reality trumps ours every time - except in our own minds.

Which brings me to point 2 and the title of this post.  In order to make a change in my thoughts, I need to first read what is true - the Word, encouraging and edifying books, sermons, etc., spend time digesting and increasing my understanding of those things and then applying them with wisdom and discernment. By following those 3 steps, I have the power to change my thoughts which in turn determines my heart.

Our heart - our feelings - are mutable and deadly.  They will mislead and betray us.  If we don't take the time and make the effort to reign in our feelings, they will take us places too dark to survive and encourage us to make decisions that will destroy us (many verses starting in the O.T. and continuing with Paul).

Jeremiah 17:8-10 (ESV)

He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”

blessings on your day

Ships in the night

Relationships can be hard, messy and painful.  This is even more true if you are a hard-core introvert.  For me, being relational takes energy - this is not a bad thing necessarily, but it s something that plays into how I relate to people.  Right now my relationships with my kids are either broken or totally missing.  I am working 2 of them actively, trying to reconnect, repair and rebuild.  Two of them are about where they were (afaik) which isn't saying much.  The other 4 are broken - possibly for a long time.

The broken ones are the ones I dwell on the most.  I am constantly second guessing, analyzing and trying to change what is already passed.  I miss my children and that, above all else, is what I regret the most.  I have left a trail of broken relationships that spans 4 decades (or more).

Time Passes

In 3 or so years since I last posted there have been many changes.  I have new grand-kids, a new job, new struggles - that look like the old struggles, new friends, lost friends, and lots of tears.

We have 10 grandchildren we consider ours.  Some are step kids, some are not even related but they are all ours.   The delight of grandchildren exceeds all other familial relationships.  The newest one, Adaline Rose has Downs Syndrome which makes her the most precious of all.  She will be a light to this family.

My company, LexisNexis decided that the office in Sacramento was not cost efficient so they moved all the job functions to Raleigh NC (but very few of the people).  That happened on 12/12/13 and rocked my world.  It is only recently that I really started to understand what exactly this meant to me.  The shattered dreams, last validation, and the tail spin I went into are just now starting to become clear - as well as the impact on my life.  I landed at a company in Roseville where I am struggling to find my place.

The struggles are new but yet they are the same. My personal life went into a tail spin that is reminiscent of 5 years ago.  My marriage is, once again, in dire jeopardy.  My youngest continues to make choices that make me despair, I have lost what little relationship I had with my oldest and my daughter H let me know that she doesn't feel I am the right person to walk her down the aisle at her wedding next April.

Too much of what is negative in my life is the result of my own choices.  As I keep peeling back the layers, I have hope that I am finally reaching down to the issues that are at the foundation of my brokenness.

I know that there is no one let out there reading so I may just set this to private and use it for a journal - or maybe I won't.

blessings on your day