My wife set her status quite a while back to "Life is a journey" and left it there. The older I get the more I realize that this is not just true but critical to understand.
When I was younger, my "destinations" were a new house, a new job, getting married, that car I always wanted or a long weekend. I have come to realize that the journey we are on is more like an ocean cruise. There are life-boat drills, days at sea, exciting ports of call and the occasional bout with motion sickness. None of these are actually your destination - they are, however, part of the journey. Right now, the leg of the voyage I am passing through is difficult at best and often intensely painful.
Anyone who spent time in recovery can attest that in order to do it (recovery) right, you need to spend some serious effort on "self-discovery." And anyone who has done this also knows that it usually brings things to light that you would rather stayed hidden away. I won't overwhelm my readers with all of the gory details but I would like to share some of the places this particular part of my "life journey" has taken me.
After many years of struggling with my addiction, I finally admitted I was was incapable (powerless) and surrendered my will to God. Of course this was not without some pretty severe (divine) interventions that caused lots of pain and grief to myself and many of those closest to me. It has taken 3 years for me to reach the place where I am ready to "go deep" and start looking at who I am and how I got here.
-<* This Part of the Journey Begins Below *>-
I am currently in a Celebrate Recovery Step Study where we will spend a year working through all of the 12-steps of recovery (I leave as an exercise to the reader to explore what CR is). I actually started this once before (over 2 years ago) but found reasons (excuses) to drop out. So far we have worked through the first two steps and it has mostly been a review of things that I dug up originally. Interestingly enough, it hasn't been any less painful the second time through. One new thing that has come up is that I find that I resent the fact that my wife has a better relationship with my dad than I do. As we talked about it we both realize that we see each others parents differently. The parents we grew up with are not the parents that our spouses have come to know.
History is a powerful thing. It can define who you are and create mountains that are overwhelming - or even seemingly impossible - to overcome. Letting go of the past and the pain associated with it is a constant struggle for me. On more than one occasion I have allowed (embraced?) resentment and chosen to use remembered-pain to define my life and determine my direction. For the record, this has always ended badly.
The only thing that makes it possible to let go at all is that I can cling to the Grace and Mercy of my Lord. By remembering (constantly) that He doesn't hold my past against ME I can let go (a little at a time) of the pain and resentments that are weighing me down. I can make different choices and take that grace that God gives me and apply it to the people around me. Because I have had such a difficult time accepting grace and mercy from God makes it all the more difficult to apply it to others - so once again, it is a journey and a process and a port-of-call that I haven't reached yet.
As I continue this discovery and healing process, I will share some of the things that I learn. Feel free to join me on this journey of life if you dare.
blessings on your day
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