Where Do We Go From Here?

If recovery is a journey then I am in Nebraska.  There is a point in recovery when motion and progress seems to stop.  Now I recognize that this is basically an illusion as I am still adding days of recovery and working on myself in the process.   At the same time, the huge gains and milestones are mostly behind me for now.  I continue to work on self-evaluation, determining the impact others have had in my life and practicing emotional intimacy.  The last item, of course, is the one on which I focus most of my attention as it is the one area in which I am weakest.

When addicts start their decent into addiction something happens - they stop growing emotionally.  For me this happened in my mid-to-late teens.  I didn't develop the coping mechanisms nor the ability to open up and share completely.  Like all addicts, the secrets I carried prevented me from allowing anyone to see the depths of my heart and soul.  The result was a stunting of growth, I was effectively an emotional bonsai.

Now that I am putting off the chains and bonds of my addictions, I have freed my little bonsai from the root bound pot it was in and an watering, fertilizing and nurturing it.  Already I can see new growth and the promise of even more.  I am sure that with time and care it will grow into a healthy, vibrant tree with deep roots.  In the mean time I travel through Nebraska content to simply be continuing on the journey.