Looking Good

Self examination is one of the things that the Word instructs us to do on a regular basis.  To do it right can be difficult or even painful.  While the Word does a great job of reflecting our true selves there is another way that can be even better - marriage.

One of the best places to go to find out who you really are is your marriage.   Our spouses see us at our best, worst and everything in between.  If we are open and honest, they know more about us than anyone else ever will.  They see us when we are trying to impress the neighbors and when we drop a garbage disposal on our head under the sink.  They see us lose our temper, give in to temptation, celebrate victories and embrace defeat. In short, they see us for who we truly are.  In the process they decide to love us anyway.  The result is an accurate mirror of who we are - whether we like what we see or not.

There are three challenges in this that need to be addressed in order for this "mirroring" to be effective.  The first challenge (perhaps obviously) is to be open, honest and transparent with our spouse.  For an addict, this is brutally difficult and something I have failed in for most of my marriage.  It is only in the last 6 months or so that I have begun opening up, sharing my true feelings and releasing my secrets.

The second challenge we face is that of asking.  We sometime feel that if we don't ask we won't hear things we don't like.  While that may at some level be true, it is also called "avoidance."  Avoiding issues really don't make them go away.  Failing to check in with our spouse and ask the hard questions ("what do you really think about how I look/responded/handled that/treat you") doesn't change the reality.  It is like turning the mirror to the wall and pretending you look great.  Take a chance - ask a question.

The last challenge is about love.  Whether we are hearing what our spouse has to say or sharing the answers to THEIR questions, ultimately it comes down to how we present ourselves.  Lashing out in retaliation for an answer we don't like or brutalizing the one we love is wrong no matter what the situation.  We need to swallow our ego, remember who we are and stand in humility regardless of which side of the conversation is ours.  Mirrors don't work well (or last long) if we throw rocks at them.  Likewise our spouse won't answer questions (or ask them) if our responses are ugly, angry and unloving.  Providing a safe environment is crucial for this to work.

Have you polished your mirror today?