What Flavor Is It?

Nope, not talking about the latest Doritos mystery flavor - I am talking about pain.  As the years pass, I have come to recognize that pain comes in many flavors.  As a child pain was mostly about skinned knees, slammed fingers and blisters.   As a teenager, it seemed rejection was at the center of my pain.   Sometime in that period I learned to medicate and my experiences with pain transformed to brief encounters quickly numbed, pushed down or dismissed.

Now, as I learn to touch my pain without medication I have discovered additional flavors.  I have tasted so many different varieties lately that my blog would overflow if I tried to talk about all of them.  So instead, I will focus on just one flavor today.   I liken it to a gobstopper in that it is never overwhelming, you can break a tooth (or more) of you try to chew on it and you never seem to be able to finish it.

I recognize that a loss of intimacy is inevitable for an addict.  In fact it is difficult bordering on impossible to have a truly intimate relationship with one.  We always hold back part of ourselves, hide our pain, internalize our feelings and work hard to keep everyone on the outside of that last wall.  The divorce accelerated this quite a bit and the move to Clovis seemed to finish it off.   The lack of a solid, healthy relationship with my children will likely impact me in some way for the rest of my life.  It is ironic at times (and very painful at others), that I know more about what is going on in the lives of the neighbor's kids than I do about mine.  From time to time, I try to jump start things by being more attentive, making phone calls, sending emails/texts but gradually  the responses taper off and I eventually give up the current attempt. 

Yes *I* (not them) am mostly to blame as this is what I modeled to them for their formative years (and most of their lives).  That makes it no less painful if at least more understandable.  I pray for them regularly and they are never far from my thoughts.  I know they love me beyond a doubt - I also know that as a result of my choices I am not high on the priority list in their lives.  Someday God will heal this and I trust Him to continue the good work He began.  They carry my pride with them wherever they go as well as my love.

blessings on your day