Don't get up, I will find my way out: Losing Control

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Losing Control

Step 3 of the famed 12-step process deals with control - primarily in the vein of "who has it." Of course the biggest problem in my life has always been that *I* have to have control. Anyone who has spent any time with me will not find the preceding to be any surprise at all. My cubicle space is highly decorated. My computing environments are heavily customized. I have more than a dozen playlists in iTunes. I have log ins to hundreds of websites (all documented - well mostly). My family are all certainly aware of my need to control.

I first addressed this over 10 years ago when I was arrested for domestic violence and spent 18 months in a very good program (Man Alive). As a result of that experience, my propensity to use violence to gain that control has diminished substantially (not disappeared however). Now I am struggling to let go of control over a lot of the other things in my life.

For the last decade, I have tried to control my addictions. The resulting mess has been of epic proportions. I have discovered what most (all?) recovering addicts know all too well - you have to surrender and "turn it over." As I slowly loosen my grip on control and cede it to God, I find that for the first time, I see the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel.

blessings on your day

1 comment:

Rachael Faye said...: Thanks for sharing Dad. Control is something God has been challenging me on lately. I was inspired by Emma who shared with me that she commits to praying for God's strength each morning before her feet hit the floor. For several weeks now I have been doing the same...only I pray to release control and submit to God's will...God has been doing marvelous things in my life through it. Keep up the fight to give up :) I'm praying for ya!; Wed Dec 16, 10:04:00 AM PST

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Gratitude

As I wend my way through the fields, fens and forests of life, I find myself changing - oh not in large obvious ways for the most part, but in gentle, subtle ways (well sometimes large, obvious and PAINFUL ways). I take with me a little bit of every place I have been. Of all the influences in my life, by far the greatest is my Lord and Savior - Jesus Christ. His grace and mercy are the reason I am still breathing and "wending." From Him, I endeavor to take the most "bits" and apply the most change.

Of great importance in my life is my beautiful wife, Emma. She is truly the love of my life and my dearest treasure. She too has displayed enormous grace and mercy in our relationship. Without her at my side I would drift aimlessly indeed. She carries my love and my pride with her wherever she goes.