Read, Understand and Apply

Had a session with my therapist last night.  He made some good suggestions for starting to make changes.  The first was simply "Deny the Lie, Embrace the Truth."  Of course this is easier said than done.  After more than 5 decades of believing the lies of the enemy, it is hard to simply push them away and cling to what is true.  The first step, as always, is to start developing a sense of awareness.  This means that as the negative thoughts cascade over me, I need to start the process of identifying them and recognizing what they are and where they come from.  Once I can do this on a regular basis, I can start working towards replacing those thoughts with "truth" which comes from above.

Learning to appreciate who I am is going to be a long, hard road.  I was reading yesterday  about temporizing what the Word says about us with "in God's eyes, I am ..."  This actually is contradicting what He says.  We are claiming that we are something other than what He sees and that our reality is NOT the same as His.  Of course God's reality trumps ours every time - except in our own minds.

Which brings me to point 2 and the title of this post.  In order to make a change in my thoughts, I need to first read what is true - the Word, encouraging and edifying books, sermons, etc., spend time digesting and increasing my understanding of those things and then applying them with wisdom and discernment. By following those 3 steps, I have the power to change my thoughts which in turn determines my heart.

Our heart - our feelings - are mutable and deadly.  They will mislead and betray us.  If we don't take the time and make the effort to reign in our feelings, they will take us places too dark to survive and encourage us to make decisions that will destroy us (many verses starting in the O.T. and continuing with Paul).

Jeremiah 17:8-10 (ESV)

He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”

blessings on your day

Ships in the night

Relationships can be hard, messy and painful.  This is even more true if you are a hard-core introvert.  For me, being relational takes energy - this is not a bad thing necessarily, but it s something that plays into how I relate to people.  Right now my relationships with my kids are either broken or totally missing.  I am working 2 of them actively, trying to reconnect, repair and rebuild.  Two of them are about where they were (afaik) which isn't saying much.  The other 4 are broken - possibly for a long time.

The broken ones are the ones I dwell on the most.  I am constantly second guessing, analyzing and trying to change what is already passed.  I miss my children and that, above all else, is what I regret the most.  I have left a trail of broken relationships that spans 4 decades (or more).

Time Passes

In 3 or so years since I last posted there have been many changes.  I have new grand-kids, a new job, new struggles - that look like the old struggles, new friends, lost friends, and lots of tears.

We have 10 grandchildren we consider ours.  Some are step kids, some are not even related but they are all ours.   The delight of grandchildren exceeds all other familial relationships.  The newest one, Adaline Rose has Downs Syndrome which makes her the most precious of all.  She will be a light to this family.

My company, LexisNexis decided that the office in Sacramento was not cost efficient so they moved all the job functions to Raleigh NC (but very few of the people).  That happened on 12/12/13 and rocked my world.  It is only recently that I really started to understand what exactly this meant to me.  The shattered dreams, last validation, and the tail spin I went into are just now starting to become clear - as well as the impact on my life.  I landed at a company in Roseville where I am struggling to find my place.

The struggles are new but yet they are the same. My personal life went into a tail spin that is reminiscent of 5 years ago.  My marriage is, once again, in dire jeopardy.  My youngest continues to make choices that make me despair, I have lost what little relationship I had with my oldest and my daughter H let me know that she doesn't feel I am the right person to walk her down the aisle at her wedding next April.

Too much of what is negative in my life is the result of my own choices.  As I keep peeling back the layers, I have hope that I am finally reaching down to the issues that are at the foundation of my brokenness.

I know that there is no one let out there reading so I may just set this to private and use it for a journal - or maybe I won't.

blessings on your day

Bon Voyage!

My wife set her status quite a while back to "Life is a journey" and left it there.  The older I get the more I realize that this is not just true but critical to understand.

When I was younger, my "destinations" were a new house, a new job, getting married, that car I always wanted or a long weekend.  I have come to realize that the journey we are on is more like an ocean cruise.  There are life-boat drills, days at sea, exciting ports of call and the occasional bout with motion sickness.  None of these are actually your destination - they are, however, part of the journey.  Right now, the leg of the voyage I am passing through is difficult at best and often intensely painful.

Anyone who spent time in recovery can attest that in order to do it (recovery) right, you need to spend some serious effort on "self-discovery."  And anyone who has done this also knows that it usually brings things to light that you would rather stayed hidden away.  I won't overwhelm my readers with all of the gory details but I would like to share some of the places this particular part of my "life journey" has taken me.

After many years of struggling with my addiction, I finally admitted I was was incapable (powerless) and surrendered my will to God. Of course this was not without some pretty severe (divine) interventions that caused lots of pain and grief to myself and many of those closest to me.  It has taken 3 years for me to reach the place where I am ready to "go deep" and start looking at who I am and how I got here.

-<* This Part of the Journey Begins Below *>-

I am currently in a Celebrate Recovery Step Study where we will spend a year working through all of the 12-steps of recovery (I leave as an exercise to the reader to explore what CR is).  I actually started this once before (over 2 years ago) but found reasons (excuses) to drop out.  So far we have worked through the first two steps and it has mostly been a review of things that I dug up originally.   Interestingly enough, it hasn't been any less painful the second time through.  One new thing that has come up is that I find that I resent the fact that my wife has a better relationship with my dad than I do.  As we talked about it we both realize that we see each others parents differently.  The parents we grew up with are not the parents that our spouses have come to know.

History is a powerful thing.  It can define who you are and create mountains that are overwhelming - or even seemingly impossible - to overcome.  Letting go of the past and the pain associated with it is a constant struggle for me.  On more than one occasion I have allowed (embraced?) resentment and chosen to use remembered-pain to define my life and determine my direction.  For the record, this has always ended badly.

The only thing that makes it possible to let go at all is that I can cling to the Grace and Mercy of my Lord.  By remembering (constantly) that He doesn't hold my past against ME I can let go (a little at a time) of the pain and resentments that are weighing me down.  I can make different choices and take that grace that God gives me and apply it to the people around me.  Because I have had such a difficult time accepting grace and mercy from God makes it all the more difficult to apply it to others - so once again, it is a journey and a process and a port-of-call that I haven't reached yet.

As I continue this discovery and healing process, I will share some of the things that I learn.  Feel free to join me on this journey of life if you dare.

blessings on your day

Trust Me

Trust issues - almost everyone seems to have them from time-to-time. I know I certainly do.   It is kind of interesting watching how these issues play out in our lives.  With many things and many situations, trust comes with experience.  At an early age we learn to trust constants like "this chair will hold me up" and "if I cry mom or dad will come running."  Eventually we learn that some people can be trusted and others can't.   We learn that without trust in a relationship there can never be any depth. Many children (mine included) learned far too early that you can't even trust that your family will stay intact.  Some learn that you can't trust your friends and family to treat you "appropriately."

Once trust is broken it can take a very long time (if at all) before it is regained.  There are people in my life whom I will never trust and others who have my trust but not in all areas.  The reasons are many - some because the trust was betrayed and others simply because I don't see integrity and "trustworthiness" in how they live their lives.  I think that in order to trust someone you have to believe that they would put your interests before their own - and let's face it, this is a tough sell in today's society.

So how is it that I struggle daily with trusting God?  He has NEVER failed to do what He says.  He is constantly doing what is in my best interest.  He has never let me down or abandoned me.  He always exhibits integrity far beyond anything I can even imagine.  I can spend hours telling you about all the things He has done in my life or in the lives of people close to me.  Yet in spite of all this I struggle with trusting Him to run things.

I have come to realize that it is my own selfish nature that keeps me bound and unwilling to release control to Him.  While intellectually I trust that He will do what I need, I don't trust Him to do what I want - and THAT is at the heart of my problem.  There are things in my life that - quite frankly - I like, even while knowing that they aren't good for me and that they don't belong in my life.  In part, it is the same mentality that I see in my kids.   We hate "school" and we hate "boundaries" and we hate not being able to do absolutely anything we want whenever we want.  And like our kids, the first place we run when our lives come crashing down is back to Daddy.

Letting go of the dark places, the bad habits and the selfishness is something I have to do daily - well more like minute-by-minute.  Trusting that He has my back is easy - trusting that what He wants for my life is better than what I want is brutally hard.

blessings on your day

So very long

It has been a long time - almost 8 months - since I last posted.  There were reasons, some of which are still relevant and others that are not.  Life is interesting (yes, sometimes interesting ala the 'Serenity' definition) and much water has flowed under the bridge since I last set down my thoughts here.  My son got married and added a granddaughter to our lives in the process.   Two of my girls became pregnant and delivered healthy baby girls (3 weeks apart) - yes I will post pictures when I remember to do so.  Aaron signed up for the Army although he hasn't left for training yet.  Another birthday has passed and we now have concrete in our backyard.  We started the process of "plugging in" at our church by joining a couples study that lasted 10 weeks (we did Sacred mMarriage and iMarriage).

This time of year can be difficult, especially in blended families or when the family has scattered (in our case both are true).  This holiday season has the potential to be a very one.   I plan to grasp that potential and hold on for the ride.

blessings on your day

What can it hurt???

FaceBook - the bright and shining star of the social media world.   The rise to fame and the way it essentially cornered the market has been chronicled in books and even a movie.  It is used to connect with lost friends, share information within a family or small community, promote a business or event, play games, connect students and teachers, researchers and subjects, promote revolution, organize boycotts, improve self-esteem (recent study) and countless other uses.  The number of people who have FaceBook accounts (or even more than one account) has grown explosively.  It is touted by companies, radio and TV, celebrities and even the government.  In spite of all the security issues, it still remains the number one social networking site in the world.

Yet for the last year or so, we have heard a few, quiet murmurs from the Christian community questioning the value of FaceBook - or at least attempting to raise awareness of the risks.  Now the (more or less) mainstream media has caught wind of the impact of FaceBook on the American marriage.  In a recent article, divorce lawyers reported that about 20% of all divorces now include some negative impact from FaceBook (full article HERE).  Social media have made the process of having an affair ridiculously easy.  Now we can find and hook-up with old flames, former friends and total strangers all without ever leaving our keyboards.

No longer do we have to cultivate an intimate friendship at work, the gym or the grocery store.  We can find people that share most (or all) of our pet interests with the click of a mouse.  We can share intimate details of our lives, pictures and fantasies without the risk of someone seeing us at the local coffee shop.

And yet with all of that, there are still churches that promote FaceBook as a way to connect, stay in touch and disseminate information.  It is ironic that these same churches would never consider putting up fliers at the local bar, liquor store strip club.  When will we learn that technology is not the answer to every question?

How Do You Cope?

Last night at my men's group, we were discussing the roots of addiction.  The common theme (among all addicts) is the drive to find a way to hide or push away the pain.  At some point in our lives - rather than learn how to cope - we discovered that medicating makes the pain tolerable.  "Medicating" can take on many different forms.  Over the years, I have come in contact with some of the different "medications" that people use to mange life, some (substance abuse) are obvious - some are not.  

Some of the less obvious ones have included violence & control, eating disorders, reality tv (my life sucks so I want to watch YOURS), gaming, obsessions with the supernatural/fantasy, reading (this has been one of mine); work/career and shopping.

It seems as if we can not handle life without help, support and artificial means.  I am sure that this says quite a bit about our society as a whole as well as the flaws in humanity.  And, as I am sure most recovering addicts can attest - the urge to replace one addiction with another is insidious and often supported by recovery programs.  The longer we "use" (whether a true addiction or one of the items listed above), the harder it is to handle life on life's terms.  Truly I don't know how people without God in their lives manage to keep putting one foot in front of another.   I know that it is only by the grace and mercy of God that I make it through every hour of every day.

This gives the old adage "let go and let God" a whole new twist.

blessings on your day

R.I.P.

Yesterday I got a call from the church we attended for many years.  A friend had a heart attack and died suddenly.   Roger and Betsy were some of our earliest friends at that church.  When I got my cancer diagnosis (almost 5 years ago now), Betsy decided I needed to be lifted up and sent me 2-3 notes a week with scripture and words of encouragement.   Even though we haven't seen each other for several years now, I was one of the people she asked the church to contact when her husband died.

Please pray for our friend Betsy and her 2 boys during this time of grief.  Rest in peace Roger, we will see you again someday.

Surgery

Emma's surgery on her shoulder went well.  The doctor cleaned up her rotator cuff and that was about it.   He said that she has severe inflammation and that there is nothing surgery can do to help her.  I guess it is a "good-news, bad-news" thing.  She goes in today to talk about options, next-steps and when she will be released back to work.  Thank you for all the prayers and support the past week.

The Birds Are Angry

Ok, I admit it - I do play games on my smartphone.  Not a lot of games, mind you - I just don't have the time.  Mostly I play Sudoku (and usually just during conference calls ;)

A little while back I read about the new gaming rage - Angry Birds.  As it turns out, that game was available on the Palm Pre.  Today, they also released the Christmas Edition!  This game is HIGHLY addictive and you should absolutely never, ever play it!

;)

The Sound of Music

The last couple of years we have started a tradition of taking in live theater during December.  This year we went to a local production of The Sound of Music.   Besides doing a great job in a small, rustic venue, the lead was a friend of ours - Coppelia.

Coppelia happens to be not only a superb Maria (her voice is amazing) but she is the music director at The Ridge Church as well as one of the on-air personalities at Air1.  If you are local to south Placer county, try to catch a performance (make sure to get tickets for the "Vienna" cast).

Get In And Drive!

I was listening to one of my favorite radio preachers this morning (during a commute from hell) and he shared a scene from the movie Blackhawk Down.

An army ranger colonel is trying to lead a convoy to safety amid a firestorm of enemy fire.  He stops the convoy to retrieve some wounded soldiers.  He drags a dead soldier out of the driver's seat of a jeep and turns to a sergeant standing near by. 

"Get in and drive" says the colonel.  "But colonel, I've been shot" stammers the sergeant.  "We've all been shot - get in and drive!" yells the colonel.

The point of the preacher was, of course, that in the process of living we have all been shot - most of us repeatedly.  I find that this is so very true.  We are a world of the walking wounded.  Some of us "get in and drive" and others sit down by the side of the road and give up.  Every time I see the public out-pouring of support for some small child suffering from (put your favorite disease, condition or traumatic event here) all I can think about are the thousands of children suffering from the same thing in total obscurity.

I don't know why it is that some of us can keep putting one foot in front of the other while some curl into a ball and hide under a rock.  I have hidden under a rock on occasion but God keeps gently prodding me until I get back on my feet and start moving again.  I know that to live life engaged, interactive and relational is to brave a hail storm of bullets.  Unless we completely isolate ourselves from the world (and especially from people) we are going to get shot at and occasionally wounded.

Ultimately it is what you do after getting shot that matters the most.

Get in and drive!

Oy

What a week it has been at work.   I have been working on a project that is visible all the way to the top of the corporate ladder (42 levels best I can tell).  Not that there is any pressure but I was told "the staffing within the group will change if this isn't a sparkling success."  As a result, I have been up to my ears in work trying to get the project back on track and back on schedule (the lead has been stuck out of the country for over 2 months now so I am now "driving").

We got all the decorations down and put out the ones we still have room for.  The house is slowly starting to look like we live there (not just staying in a hotel).  Andy and Dale hung racks and shelves in my garage so I am able to park 2 cars there now.

Cookie Day was a smashing success.  We got 4 batches baked (usually only 2) and several thousand cookies distributed to family members.

Anyway, that is all I have time for as my task list isn't getting smaller while I type :)

blessings on your day

Time for Baking

Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything under the sun.  Today is the time for baking!

I know that most families have traditions around the holidays.  We all tend to think that the other families' traditions are odd but that our are perfectly normal.  That being said, the longest running tradition that I am aware of in OUR family is Cookie Day.

For as long as I can remember, it has been our family tradition to gather the day after Thanksgiving and bake peppernuts.  Peppernuts are a traditional German cookie (there are 2 types, those with anise and those with cardamom - ours are the latter).  No matter where we are on Thanksgiving Day, we all gather back together on the Friday after.  It is not unusual to bake up to 3 batches of cookies at about 700 cookies per batch.  We warm up the leftover turkey, ham, stuffing, potatoes and yams.  We mix the dough, roll out the cookies and have cooling racks set up all over the kitchen.

This year, for the first time, it is at our house.  Truly, there is nothing like being surrounded by 25-30 family members and baking cookies.  May you and your families have an amazing day as well.